From the moment John Paul Jones sprinted down the beach in Mexico in a speedo, it was clear that Bachelor in Paradise was basically made for him. From gamely eating the date food, to heaving after a little too much hot sauce, to reciting Shakespeare on bended knee, he provided a constant stream of entertainment for Bachelor Nation this summer. But what was less expected from John Paul Jones’ Bachelor in Paradise journey was his relationship with Tayshia, which was both genuinely sweet and extremely fun to watch.
After JPJ and Tayshia confirmed that they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend at the reunion special, their future as a couple is wide open as they explore a long-distance relationship. But now that the self-proclaimed King of Paradise has finally locked down his queen, where exactly does that leave his fellow cast mates?
Every leader needs to bestow proper titles to his subjects, so we asked the King of Paradise himself to choose cast members to match to Bustle’s superlatives, and as a benevolent ruler, John Paul Jones was more than happy to oblige. Here’s what our beloved King John had to say on the matter, all in the realm of good fun, of course…
Most Dramatic: Chris Bukowski
Move over, Blake. According to JPJ, there’s an even more dramatic guy on the beach whose freakouts you didn’t see on television. "There was a giant raccoon that would visit us every night, and for some reason the raccoon loved Chris. Chris would freak out every single night. When he’d hear [raccoon noise], the guy just went ballistic. It was so funny, and it was probably one of the more dramatic moments that wasn’t captured." Perhaps the producers thought including a raccoon on one season of Paradise was enough?
Most Underrated: Kevin Fortenberry
"I thought Kevin got a little shafted for screen time and just overall attention on Paradise." It’s a shame, really, considering all that time he spent at the gym.
Most Awkward: Clay & Angela
JPJ couldn’t give this one to just one person. "Oh man. Clay and Angela because they were a couple… there was just a really awkward atmosphere when Angela showed up. Clay felt really uncomfortable and it was definitely an interesting situation." If only we actually got to hear from these two and Nicole at the reunion about what really went down.
Best Hair: Dean Unglert
Leave it to the long-haired King of Paradise to be humble and give this award to Dean, a fellow long-haired gentleman. "He doesn’t even have to try," JPJ says. "I have to put product in my hair, Dean just wakes up and his hair looks like that." Perhaps it’s just that Van Life glow.
Party Animal: Onyeka
"That girl goes hard and she does not mess around," JPJ says. "Onyeka goes really freaking hard. That girl is a lot of fun."
So there you have it. John Paul Jones’ time in Mexico may be over, but his reign will be remembered for years to come.
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