WILFRIED ZAHA admits his painful experience at Manchester United left him depressed and with his mind in a mess.
His dream move to Old Trafford turned into a nightmare when Sir Alex Ferguson quit and he failed to win over either David Moyes or Louis van Gaal in charge.
It left the brilliant winger, just 19 at the time of joining United in 2013, alone in a hotel with few friends to turn to and struggling to see the light.
Speaking on the On Judy Podcast, the Crystal Palace star gave a glimpse into the emotional turmoil he was feeling as his £15million move turned sour and he was frozen out by two bosses.
Zaha said: “I was in a very bad place, literally going out all the time, doing mad stuff. I was a mess.
“My brother was up there at first with his family, but then he had to go back so I was just by myself throughout the whole David Moyes period – that's when I just went through depression and all sorts.
“I couldn't cook so I wasn't even eating proper.
“When you know you're not playing, the team are training and you're just stood on the side doing some training drill.
“I remember it was just me and Kagawa doing some shooting drill just the two of us. So you know they don't care about you basically. Not even training with the Under 23s, week in week out. You're not getting a look in.”
The situation really hit him when Zaha found himself so alone at Christmas he ended up spending the morning with then Bolton boss Dougie Freedman – now director of football at Palace.
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He added: “Under Van Gaal, I remember the Christmas. I knew I wasn't gonna play or whatever. But I still got taken.
“On Christmas Day you spend the morning with the family and then in the afternoon you report. But then because I was by myself, I had no one for Christmas – alone basically.
“And then, Doug he called me because he was in Manchester with his family. I ended up spending that Christmas morning at his house with his family because I had no one.
“After that I went and travelled, but I was thinking I wanted to go home to my family, I know I'm not gonna play. But I travelled in the evening, and I was in the stands the next day.”
Zaha made just two appearances for United as he was swallowed up by the size of the club, a youngster away from home for the first time still trying to learn the ropes as a pro and grown into an adult away from the pitch.
Since rejoining boyhood club Palace he has flourished into one of the most feared attacking players in the Premier League – and he still maintains he was to move to United despite what happened.
Zaha said: Right place at the wrong time, really. I look back and think there's nothing else I could have really done.
“That whole period, people ask me if I regret it but no. It's a learning curve, it made me so much stronger mentally, I met some amazing players, some amazing people over there. I'm glad I went there and it made me who I am now.
“I tried to go back on loan to Palace before and David Moyes wouldn't let me. I don't know for what reason, and they just shipped me off to Cardiff.
“I went there and I was a shadow of myself, I wasn't speaking to anyone. The player that I am now, I was not myself at all.
“So I went there, added relegation on my CV, went back to United, it was van Gaal by then. And when he came back off the World Cup where he played Robin van Persie and Robben up front, so basically he gave me two options – you're either a wing back or a striker.
“Those positions are positions I've never played before. So it's like I'm being set up to fail here.
“This is off of coming back from David Moyes, and I'm shattered from just how everything worked out. I go back and I get that, either a striker or a wing back. I can't do either.
“Now, I can vary my game with years of playing you get experience. Back then I wasn't good with my back to goal, I didn't have that awareness, I'm not good with that. I remember I had to play striker.
“On pre-season we're playing Inter Milan, I had to play against Vidic, we played against Real, I'm playing against Pepe and Ramos up front, thinking ‘this guy's boying me’.
“It's mad, I'm being thrown in the deep end against the maddest teams.
“I remember I came back that year – I don't think I've said this before – they gave me one more session for them to decide. Van Gaal, and Giggs was his assistant.
“These are things I don't even argue with. That's why I say it made me who I am now, my confidence and just how I am. It just changed me, all those things I went through.
“This training session, I was basically on trial again. I remember the first time I went there I got a house, and this time I was thinking I didn't know what was going to happen so I was just staying in a hotel – I had no idea what was going to happen with me.
“That training session, Rooney told me I trained well. Went back in and went to see them and they were just like, ‘we don't think you're good enough – you can go’.
“This was pre-season. I didn't argue. I was so relieved, thank you for telling me straight and letting me go out on loan so I can restart my career.”
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