Dear Amy: I’m in my late 60s, and the grandfather of three children — ages 11, 6 and 3.
I adore the two oldest, who are the children of my oldest son and his wife.
I don’t feel much of anything for my youngest grandson, and it is always a chore when I have to visit.
My daughter had him as a single mom, knowing that she couldn’t afford him, and knowing full well that we would “come through” financially.
I know that a lot of my feelings are based on resenting her choice, and the feeling that we are being taken for granted.
Also, at this point in my life I just want more time to do what I want, and sitting on the floor playing with a toddler is not something that appeals to me anymore.
He’s a good kid, but how do you make yourself feel something that just isn’t there?
– Resentful
Dear Resentful: I appreciate your honesty regarding your reaction to this child.
Now that you’ve expressed it, I hope you can successfully redirect your resentment and look for ways to let this little boy in.
Remember, always, that he did not ask for any of this. He is a little boy, lucky to have grandparents who are able to love him. Now you must find ways to do that.
You and your wife should be honest with your daughter regarding how her choice has affected your lives. You should also discuss what you are prepared to do, financially and/or with childcare, in order to help keep her family afloat – and you should let her know that your financial and childcare support will decrease gradually over the next five years or so, in order to inspire her to step up her own earning to support her family.
According to U.S. Census data, the poverty rate for families headed by unmarried mothers in 2018 was 34 percent, compared with 6 percent for families with two parents in the household.
If visiting your daughter’s home brings you down, it might be better for you to bring the child to your home for visits.
Your daughter is a single mom and you and your son (the little boy’s uncle and grandfather) will be the men he knows best during these extremely important early years of his life.
You have such a grand opportunity to show your grandson the very best of what it means to be a man, and sometimes the very best thing for a man to do is to spend time with and play with a toddler, even when he doesn’t want to.
If you show up for him now, he will show up for you later.
Dear Amy: I’ve been into genealogy for over 20 years. I’m the keeper of my father’s side of the family tree.
Recently, because of DNA testing, I’ve discovered that my cousins have African ancestry, coming from my aunt’s husband’s line.
I’ve done some research and I think I know in what generation this happened.
Growing up I remember my mother saying they had Native American ancestry (they have none). So I don’t know if my cousins or my uncle even knew, or if this was the story they’d been told because it was more “acceptable.”
How do I ask them about their ancestry without being intrusive?
I’m interested, but I’m too polite to ask.
– Genealogy Buff
Dear Buff: I truly wish we would all stay out of one another’s DNA data, even if it overlaps with our own.
Based on your phrasing, I understand that your uncle was not bio-related to you.
You may believe that your curiosity serves to shed light on a family mystery, but your assertion that these cousins’ ancestry is something that “happened” to their family makes me question your motivation. In short, your interest is intrusive.
Your uncle’s personal DNA is truly none of your business.
I assume it would be fascinating for these cousins to explore their own ancestry, but I think you are going to have to sit on your curiosity, until one of them decides to share their DNA information with you, opening it up for further conversation.
Dear Amy: I am surprised at the number of instances you fail to bring the hammer down on some of the ridiculous queries you receive. I do wish you would toughen up!
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: I genuinely try to match the tone of my response to the tone of the question.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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