You’ve got solid banter with your new significant other, trying to outwit each other, tossing back and forth excellently executed compliments. By now, you’ve spent enough time next to each other watching Bridgerton that you’re craving that Duke and Duchess of Hastings type of intimacy. It’s time to sit down and make the time for some intense questions. Take a deep dive into each other’s souls and get into it.
At the beginning of the relationship, questions and conversation can provide space for each of you to explore if it is a good match. As the relationship progresses, understanding what the other person needs to take care of their mind and body, supporting their dreams, and knowing what makes them feel fulfilled and joyful can keep the connection strong. “Relationships, like our bodies, need maintenance,” says Carol Bruess, PhD, professor and relationship social scientist. “Making time for deep conversations, ones during which we prioritize fully hearing and listening with an open mind and heart to another’s stories is a relationship vitamin.”
Conversations like this can also be a good way to experience each other’s energy. Now, when you think of deep questions to ask your SO, you’re probably thinking they’re going to unload all of their trauma, but clinical psychologist, Katya Burdo, PhD, says that it isn’t your responsibility to carry that pain and it is better to focus on what brings the other joy rather than what has brought each other pain in the past.
No matter what you talk about, spending intentional time actively listening to and speaking to your partner with the utmost vulnerability will build your bond. “Relationships are created, sustained, changed, and nourished through conversations—and we often forget that intentionally giving others our attention, the kind where our entire body, mind, soul is fully present, where we are radically listening to another, soaking in whatever they are saying, expressing, sharing, or even what they are not saying—is one of the most intimate, nourishing acts in a relationship,” Bruess says.
How To Take Time For Deep Conversations
Try to routinely set aside time so that you can prioritize these deep conversations. Bruess recommends aiming for ~intense talks once a week. “A couple can create a simple daily or weekly ritual for nourishing their connection: declaring Sunday morning coffee as 15 minutes of conversation time during which they share two things from the past week that they appreciated about the other and one thing they need from each other in the week ahead,” says Bruess. Coffee and a nice convo are a perfect way to start the week and a great step toward committing to each other. “Relationships are daily choices,” Bruess adds.
Ahead, find a list of questions to get those deep convos flowing. They’ll help you jumpstart the talking. Just let it flow from there.
Questions About Happiness
Knowing when your partner feels happiest can help you better understand them. And when both of you know when the other feels most free and fulfilled, it’s easier to encourage the conditions that foster joy.
Questions About Dreams
Supporting each other’s dreams, no matter how unrealistic and improbable they may be, is imperative in connecting with your partner. Expressing your dreams with each other will help both of you reach alignment within yourself and find fulfillment and joy.
Questions About Self Care
Burdo says valuing self-care and the relationship with yourself is the greatest way to prepare yourself for intimacy—and for creating a deeper bond with your SO. It’s important to understand what your partner needs to take care of themselves, and how much time and space they need alone.
Questions About Relationships
Even though it isn’t your responsibility to deal with your partner’s pain, “it is always good to be sensitive so that when you do or say something you can understand the reaction of the person, so you can better understand and not take it personally,” Burdo says. With these questions, you can find what bothers your partner, and find out how this relationship is bringing them joy.
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