Picture this: You meet a guy in a club. He’s kind of cute, so you take his number.
Maybe you go on a few dates, or maybe you take it straight back to his place. Either way, you wind up having sex with the cute stranger who seems to know all the right things.
Then, you find out he has a girlfriend.
Of course you’re in shock, probably a little hurt and definitely angry – all of which are very normal.
But then there’s the other thing: do you tell her?
Perhaps surprisingly, this question is a pretty controversial one. While some women, like the Receipts Podcast ladies, don’t think anything good can come from ‘coming to someone as a woman,’ couples therapist Shan Merchant believes you should try putting yourself in her shoes.
‘Personally, I would want to know, and what are the consequences of her not knowing?’ she tells Metro.co.uk.
The Pros
For Shan, there are two options.
‘Option A: You tell her. She is hurt. For months. She blames you. But she hasn’t wasted five years of her life with him. She can decide to leave or stay knowing who he is,’ she says.
‘Option B: You say nothing. She marries him in a year and they have a baby. Maybe she finds out what he’s like a year or five later. Now, even if she divorces him, she’s stuck with this guy in her life whom she has to co-parent her child with.’
Essentially if tell her, then, armed with all the info, you’re allowing her to decide how she wants to proceed with her relationship.
The Cons
That said, there are some definite downsides to barging into someone’s life with the truth – especially if they don’t want to hear it.
‘You might be inviting more drama or emotional upset into your life, telling his partner, and having to deal with her strong reactions or devastation when you tell her,’ says Shan.
‘This will have an impact on you that you’ll have to process.
‘There’s also a possibility she may not want to hear what you have to say and respond by rejecting you, being openly hostile or dismissive to you.
‘Her partner may lie or deny what you are saying. This could create more difficult feelings for you, prolong your closure and ability to move on.’
How to deal with your feelings if you choose not to tell her
If you decide to save yourself the hassle and move on from the situation quietly, that’s totally valid — but you will have some emotions you’ll need to sort through.
‘Talk to trusted friends for support and don’t be too hard on yourself,’ says Shan,
‘These encounters happen, and they don’t define your worth or character.
‘Reflect on what you want from your romantic encounters and the importance of honesty and integrity in relationships. Use this as a learning experience and move on.’
She also recommends attempting to get some form of closure from the guy involved, letting him know that you know, and having a short conversation with him about how his actions have impacted you and others.
What if you do decide to tell her?
If you do decide to let the girlfriend know what her partner has been up to, do so kindly and compassionately, and be ready for her reaction.
‘Don’t go into graphic detail because once someone hears this, they typically aren’t able to forget it and you don’t want to cause any more pain than you need to,’ says Shan.
‘Tell the truth, ask what they want to know, be kind.’
And finally, let go of the guilt: if you didn’t know, you didn’t know.
It’s not your burden to carry.
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