‘I only sleep with married women’: Three single men tell Tracey Cox why it’s BETTER to be intimate with someone else’s wife – and insist a lot of the husbands give their blessing
- Tracey Cox reveals reasons men sleep with taken women, including death of wife
- Another is too busy working to have a relationship so this suits and excites him
- Third feels pressure when sleeping with single woman to commit and have kids
The phenomenal success of sites like Ashley Madison and Illicit Encounters leave none of us in any doubt that married people have affairs.
But why would a single person specifically seek out sex with someone who’s married when there are hook-up apps that readily offer up sex with fellow singles?
Is it the thrill of doing something you shouldn’t? Revenge for a lover who cheated on you? Are married people more grateful for sex and more enthusiastic? Or is it simply because people who are already married aren’t after commitment?
Intrigued after a man I know starts yet another affair with a married woman, I asked other men who only have sex with married women if they would share their stories.
Here’s what they told me.
Three men tell Tracey Cox why married women appeal more to them than those who are single and available – for reasons including they’re too busy working to have a relationship
Rich* is 29, works in the city and sees married women because his career doesn’t allow time for a relationship. He finds his partners on a popular website for people seeking extra-marital affairs and has been a member for two years.
‘I started seeing married women when I got the promotion I’d been longing for. I work in banking and all the rumours about it being full on and working stupidly long hours are true.
‘You don’t have a life other than your job if you want to keep it and make money. I have made a pact with myself to give it five years of full focus, then I’m out.
‘This means not having a relationship. I have no time or energy left right now to give the commitment and time a relationship takes. And I don’t want to lie to women just to get sex.
‘Yes, women are up for casual sex but it feels more honest doing what I’m doing and less likely for people to get hurt. I know I could pay for sex – a lot of my co-workers choose that route – but it doesn’t feel right to me.
‘I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a kick out of the excitement of affair sex. Anyone who has ever had an affair knows what I mean.
‘It’s got a fizz that just isn’t there with relationships that are “allowed”. I try to make it as fun as possible: rent a nice hotel room, have champagne on ice, sometimes we’ll smoke some weed or do a little coke.
‘The women are generally attractive and always make an effort: nice underwear, everything groomed down there, they’re dressed up. Like they’re going on a first date.
‘It’s not selfish sex on my part – I make sure there’s lots of foreplay and that she has an orgasm before I have one myself.
‘I nearly always use condoms but I have taken STI tests and ditched the condoms if there’s someone I want to see exclusively for a while.
‘I have to be pretty sure she isn’t sleeping with anyone other than her partner (though usually that isn’t happening at all) and that he isn’t out there s******* the world and giving her anything.
‘It’s a risk but no less stupid than meeting a single girl and pledging to be monogamous without ever knowing if she will stick to her side of the bargain.
‘You try not to talk about their situation at home or why they’re doing it, but most women tell you anyway.
‘Only a few of the women I’ve met up with feel guilty about what they’re doing. A lot think it’s their “treat” for being a good wife or mother or putting up with a guy who doesn’t treat them well or ignores them most of the time.
Three men told Tracey Cox all about their relations with married women
‘You’d also be surprised how many husbands or partners have given their approval: They’re usually the older women or women who have been with their partners for a long time. There are more open relationships going on than I’d ever realised.
‘It’s exciting but it can be alarming as well. I’ve had one husband knock on the door of the hotel room and refuse to go away, banging on the door and threatening all sorts.
‘We had to call the front deck to have him removed and then got out of there as the police escorted him off. I looked over my shoulder for months after that.
‘I just hope the woman was OK. I tried to contact her through the site but she wasn’t on it anymore.
‘I developed strong feelings for another woman who I saw for about six months. She’d married young and loved her husband as friend but nothing else.
‘They had kids and she didn’t want to split up the family. She said she would leave for me but I’m a romantic really and I don’t want to have met the future mother of my children on a website for married people wanting to have affairs.
‘When I am ready to settle, which I will be in a few years, I’ll use a dating site or try to organically meet someone through friends. In the meantime, this suits me.
‘When the pandemic hit, I immediately went into a “sex bubble” with the woman I’d been seeing.
‘We both agreed not to sleep with other people and to take all the precautions necessary to stay Covid free. Even so, because of restrictions, I didn’t see her or anyone else for six months.
‘But when it felt safe, we saw each other again. The sex was pretty basic – we actually did make sure we faced the same way, didn’t kiss and washed our hands often.
‘But it was better than no sex at all. Zoom sex doesn’t happen with me and married women. No-one has ever suggested it – I guess the risk of being caught is higher?
‘Now, it’s pretty much back to business as usual anyway and in person.’
John*, 38, lives in central London. He’s been having sexual relationships with married women for the last seven years. His only long-term relationship was when he was 24 and it lasted seven months.
‘There are so many reasons why having sex with married women is better than sex with single women. Whenever I date single women, I feel an immense pressure almost immediately.
‘If they’re older, especially, I know they are sizing me up to see whether I’d make a good father and husband.
‘If I get a tick – which I usually do because I’m not bad looking, I’m solvent, I own an apartment and have a good job – there’s the inevitable and increasingly obvious hints about wanting children.
‘They ask why I’ve never been married, if I can see the relationship becoming serious. It’s always the same.
‘The beginning of a relationship should be the best part: it’s when you should be just having fun and enjoying lots of sex. Instead, I find it’s fraught with expectations I know I’m not going to deliver on.
‘I’m always honest. I don’t ever lead women on and I don’t promise anything I can’t deliver.
‘I say right from the get-go that I only want a casual relationship but they all think I’ll change my mind once I get to know them. I don’t.
‘They usually give it about two months, then, when they realise I’m sticking to my guns about not wanting an exclusive or serious relationship, they move on.
‘They are nearly always resentful and angry and accuse me of having something wrong with me. Why? Because I don’t want the hassle of a relationship?
‘I don’t get any enjoyment from being with one person. I’ve tried it and I hated it. I always disappoint women: I don’t feel comfortable with the level of intimacy they want.
‘I have lots of friends and I’m close to my family, so there’s emotional support there if I need it but I rarely do.
‘I like freedom – the thought of being tied down to one person that I’m responsible for both bores me and frightens me. I honestly can’t see why everyone finds it so attractive.
‘I could pay for sex but I don’t need to (and I don’t want to). Seeing married women is an obvious solution. I first went on the website (for having illicit affairs) when I was in my early 30s.
‘At first, I worried that the married women on there would be all secretly looking for a way out of their marriages, that they’d want much more than an affair. But I haven’t had that happen.
‘I make it clear when I make contact that I only want sex and that’s all that will ever be on offer. The sex is generally good and there’s not too much talking – either before or after.
‘I reckon I’ve slept with about four women a year since I first used the site. About half the women I see are happy with it being very transactional sex.
‘But you can tell some want more chatter and interaction and to hang around longer. I guess it’s their escape from a mundane existence so they want the encounter to last longer.
‘Those women don’t want repeat performances. But there are plenty of women who are perfectly happy to meet up for 20 minutes or so and get on with it.
‘I guess it’s easier to get away with a shorter time period and safer since it’s clear there’s zero chance they will fall in love with me or me them.’
David, 63, is a small businessman. His wife died three years ago and he thinks it would be a betrayal to find love again. He has sex with married women but only if their partner’s know and have given permission.
‘I got married at 19 and was with my wife for 41 years. She died when I was 60. I am still heartbroken – not helped by Covid-19 and being literally locked inside with little to think about but how much I missed her.
‘It would feel wrong to try to replace her so I don’t even try. But I did realise that although my family and friends and children satisfy my need for love, I do need sex.
‘I didn’t want to only have sex with myself for the rest of my life.
‘I have had “friends with benefits” offers from some of our friends, which shocked me. They knew how much I loved my wife and they loved her, too.
‘As if I could have sex with someone she knew? It would feel like such a betrayal of trust: my wife would be in the bed with us.
‘There aren’t too many men of my age around who are single and half decent but I still found it offensive.
‘I would never hire a sex worker, it’s just not my thing. A male friend of mine suggested I go onto a website for married women looking for sex.
‘My immediate reaction was how awful it sounded and deceitful. My marriage was so precious to me. I didn’t like the idea of me having sex with poor guy’s wife and him being clueless about it.
‘But I did some research and there are couples who both use the site with full consent of each other and lots of women who have their partner’s blessing.
‘Turns out there are quite a few women around my age with partners who have long-term health problems. They can’t have sex but they don’t want their partners to go without.
‘These are the women I seek out and have sex with. I made a rule that their partner has to know and I stick by it.
‘(Don’t worry the irony isn’t lost on me: I’m aware I’m asking for honesty on a website that feeds off dishonesty but I’ve had to make peace with that.)
‘The first time I did it, I was so nervous and didn’t perform well at all. I came home and cried. It made me miss my wife so much, I didn’t try it again for a while.
‘But then the grief becomes a little more manageable and I recognised I had to have some joy in my life.
‘I now see two women on a fairly regular basis. One has become quite a dear friend as well as sexual companion. Her husband is much older than her and has Parkinson’s.
‘He can’t have sex and doesn’t want her to miss out. He knows of the relationship but doesn’t want details.
‘It’s obvious she loves him and will never leave him and I’m very fond of her. The second woman has assured me her partner knows but I don’t know anything else about her life other than that.
‘She’s younger and the sex is more energetic. We have a laugh but there’s no intimacy.
‘I sometimes wonder what my wife would have done if I had passed first, whether she would have been tempted to do something like this.
‘I don’t believe she would look for love either but she was such a wonderful woman, I can’t imagine her ever being without admirers.
‘If she did go on the website, all the married men would immediately offer to leave their partners to be with her.’
* The names have been changed and some small details altered to protect their identities.
You’ll find Tracey’s sex toy ranges – supersex (for women and couples) and Edge (to improve sexual performance for men) – on traceycox.com or at lovehoney.co.uk.
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