Dear Amy: I have recently found out via my younger sister that our father has been diagnosed with pancreatitis. This is the first time I’ve heard this, and am hurt that he hasn’t said anything to me.
My father has always had a problem with alcohol. Last Christmas Day, my fiancé and I had a sit-down with him — an intervention, if you will.
I expressed concern that this alcohol problem would lead to illness, and warned him that if he didn’t stop drinking, it would eventually lead to his death.
He brushed it off as if he knew better.
My first son was born March 2022, my second in January 2023.
I want my dad to be a part of their lives, as he is their only living grandfather.
Once I learned of his new diagnosis, I feel like my dad doesn’t want to admit that he has a problem and that I’m completely right about him.
I’ve got my own family now and I can’t ALWAYS be there for him.
We live out of state, and for months he has been “planning to visit.”
I feel as if we are always the ones going to visit him, which is difficult right now.
My fiance and I are in the midst of starting a business together. Plus — I just found out that we’re having another baby!
I haven’t told my dad about the new baby yet, but he knows that things are tight for us, with everything going on. Yet he still insists that we make time to visit him and his new girlfriend.
I understand if he feels scared, I’m writing to you because I’M scared. He knows we care about his health!
How do I go about bringing up the diagnosis?
Should I bring it up at all, or wait until he tells me himself?
— Another Amy
Dear Amy: First, take a breath. Hug your children. Anchor yourself to your own life.
I suggest this because of the almost frantic tone of your question.
You are upset, scared, and worried. You are also exhibiting the classic control issues consigned to you as the sensitive, caring, and competent child of an alcoholic.
Here’s how you ask your father about his health: “Dad, my sister just told me about your diagnosis. How are you feeling? What is the treatment going to be like?”
Listen. Ask questions. Express support.
What you don’t need to do is to lecture him about his drinking. He is living his life, making (unhealthy) choices, and now he is facing the consequences of his choices. You cannot change this outcome, or his selfishness regarding you and your children. I hope you can accept this painful reality with grace. Attending a “friends and family” support group would be very helpful for you.
Dear Amy: Your recent answer to “Disgruntled Guests” regarding a destination wedding inspired me to write.
For those who want to have a destination wedding, my suggestion is to focus on each other and the moment.
Come home afterward and have a gathering with family and friends.
My wife and I attended a formal beach wedding. Sand was blowing and we couldn’t hear the officiant over the waves. Afterward, we attended a formal dinner and ate the worst food ever.
We attended out of obligation, an obligation I wish we’d never agreed to. It was five days of enforced partying with a small group of people we wouldn’t choose to vacation with.
(We gave the couple a very generous gift, as well.)
Then we learned that they were married by a judge months before their destination wedding.
A few months after the destination wedding, they had a very large formal gathering AGAIN and more money was forked out.
It was the Never-ending Wedding!
— Never Again
Dear Never Again: I’m picturing a marrying couple who just keep throwing weddings: courthouse weddings, barn weddings, beach weddings, mountaintop weddings, etc.
What a way to avoid dealing with the challenges of being married.
I’m grabbing the movie rights.
Dear Amy: “Worried Grandma” shared her opinion that her 6-year-old granddaughter’s parents were being too lax in terms of her safety. One example she used was that the girl was told to use the ladies room on her own in a restaurant.
I was assaulted in the ladies room off a hotel lobby. As an adult.
I urge parents to be aware of this risk.
Dear Survivor: I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for urging caution.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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